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Identifying an Unhealthy Marriage
Knowing when to call it quits can be one of the most complicated decisions when it comes to marriage. Facing divorce may seem not such a big deal, given its common occurrence in today's society, but when actually confronted with the decision to split from your spouse, it is not always as easy as it looks. Understanding your own personal reasons for divorce can help to soften the blow—that is, knowing that your relationship is not as healthy as it should or could be can help you to move on with confidence in your decision. So just what makes a relationship or a marriage an unhealthy one, and not just one plagued with the normal ups and downs (mostly downs) of everyday life?
There are several signs that indicate that the marriage is unhealthy and unsalvageable, neither by therapy nor perseverance. One of these is if your spouse is an addict. If your spouse is an addict, he or she may be able to move past the addiction with proper care and therapy, but if he or she has already gone through this and it has not proven effective, then divorce may be the way out. Another is if he or she is abusive. This does not necessarily have to be physical (emotional and financial abuse are real issues that are almost as equally unhealthy), but if there is physical abuse, divorce is most probably the best solution.
Is An Inheritance Considered Marital Property During Divorce?
One of the most challenging processes of divorce is property division. Dividing up a couple’s life—deciding who gets to keep the physical manifestation of this memory; who gets to keep the proceeds from the sales of these would-have-been heirlooms—is one of the most emotionally wrecking stages a divorcing couple must go through. Illinois is an equitable distribution state, meaning that both members of the couple will get a fair share during a divorce, regardless of who decided that the divorce was necessary or if either spouse was at fault. It also means that just because you were the primary earner, does not mean that you will walk away from the marriage with more money or assets. All the couple’s property is considered as either marital or non-marital property. The loose definition of each is whether the property was acquired before or during the marriage.
Can an Affair Affect Divorce Settlements?
It is no secret that extramarital affairs can often mean the end of a marriage. Psychologists identify several different reasons for affairs—not the least of which is because the marriage was already headed toward ruin, whether one of the spouses had cheated or not.
Affairs begin for a number of reasons, including revenge, a desire for sex when the marriage has lost its spark, or an emotional connection with someone other than one’s spouse. There is another reason for affairs—one that may be problematic for many people: the affair of the long-term caregiver. In some marriages, one partner becomes very ill and must then rely on his or her spouse to provide care in all facets of life. Often, this leaves the other spouse feeling more like a parent than a partner—and may lead him or her to seek intimacy elsewhere. While some may see these types of affairs as relatively justifiable, they are actually the least common type of an affair.
Avoiding Regret During Divorce
To forgive one’s ex-spouse during and after divorce may seem like an impossible task, but it is an essential one if a person is ever expected to move on and begin a new life. Letting go of resentment and regret is one of the single most important things you can do during divorce to not only lay the groundwork for an easier time in court and during legal proceedings, but also for settling into your new normal once the divorce has been finalized.
Regret is caused when we feel that we have made a choice that was not healthy for us, or wishing that we could reverse a choice—and its consequences—that we have made. The younger a person is, the easier it is to learn from those emotions and make changes that avoid that outcome in the future. When a person is older, of course, he or she has less time to undo or reverse those actions—and so will likely experience stronger and more lasting pangs of regret.
Co-Parenting Lessons to Help Children of Divorce
Divorce may be forever, but if you have children, so is your relationship with your ex. It is not easy to share parenting duties, and if you and your spouse have had a particularly nasty or contested divorce, this will be all the more true. This, however, is all the more reason to go into the divorce as clear-headed as possible. Just because your marriage is over, does not mean that your shared parenting duties are. There are several important questions to ask yourselves as you are going through a divorce to help put into perspective how you will move forward raising children together. All are kid-centric and generally include:
- What can we do to make life better for our kids than it was while we were married?
Financial Considerations During Divorce
When you are getting divorced, there are a myriad of things to think about. Finances, of course, are one of them. When you are preparing for divorce, making sure that all your financial affairs are in order will not only to help the process itself go more smoothly, but can also help foster the beginning of your newly-single life. Securing your financial future while you are still married can help to build your confidence as you negotiate other (sometimes more emotionally-draining) aspects of divorce, such as the family home or childcare. You can also rest assured if your finances are under control that, even if you were not the primary breadwinner in the family, you will still be financially stable after dissolution.
There are several things that you can do to help ease the financial transition of divorce. The first is to make a budget. This may seem elementary, but no matter what, the first step toward financial independence is to make sure that your expenses are balanced with your income. Knowing where your money is going is essential—it may be easier to think of it as a spending plan instead of a budget. Having an emergency fund will likely be a good idea as you just get on your feet toward financial independence as well. Ideally, this emergency fund should be enough to cover three to six months of your expenses.
Divorce Decrees and Agreements
When you are dissolving your marriage, it is not official until the court issues a divorce decree. A divorce decree legally separates you from your spouse and lays the outline for what will happen with your shared assets and childcare plans, if applicable. A divorce decree is different than a divorce agreement, as a divorce agreement outlines the expectations and duties of each party after the divorce.
While some states mandate that a couple must wait for a specified number of days between filing for divorce and signing the agreement, Illinois is a bit different. In Illinois, a couple must be able to prove that they have been living separately (this can be in a shared residence) for a minimum of six months before a divorce decree will be granted on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. Other divorce grounds may not apply such a separation period.
How to Reduce the Chance of an Extramarital Affair
While affairs are becoming less cited as the number one cause of divorce, one partner’s infidelity in a marriage is still very much a factor that can lead to the dissolution of a marriage. Because of the high emotional stakes involved with an extramarital relationship, affairs tend to create more excitement or stress during a divorce than other reasons for separation, according to Psychology Today. Yet, the vast majority of relationships in which one partner was unfaithful do not end solely because of the affair—the relationship was not healthy or stable to begin with. There are plenty of examples in which an affair was the catalyst to end a struggling marriage; but in nearly all healthy marriages in which one partner makes a serious mistake and has an affair, the couple is able to work through the issue.
Breaking it to the Kids That You Are Breaking Up
Divorce is difficult. Divorce with kids is even more so. How you tell your kids that you and your spouse are getting divorced will have a lasting impact on both how they accept the news and your future relationship with them, independently and together. Presenting a unified front—even if you and your soon-to-be-ex are pretending to be united—is essential. In addition, there are several other things you can do to ease your child into the news of your separation.
The first is to ensure that all your planning about the future has been laid out. This means speaking with a family law attorney to determine custody and visitation arrangements. You should also have a schedule arranged, so that the child is well aware of what his new daily life will be like. According to Psychology Today, children—especially young children—do not deal well with change or transition. Children rely exclusively on adults to help them understand and make sense of the world around them; a sudden upheaval, such as divorce or separation, can throw their world into chaos.
When an Order of Protection Is Abused
An order of protection is a serious legal tool used for people who are in abusive relationships, invoked to keep the abuser away and ensure the safety of a family at risk. It is meant to provide a level of security in potentially dangerous cirumstances.
A petition for an order of protection can be filed against any family or household member who has committed acts of domestic violence against you or your minor child. Any high-risk adult with disabilities may file a petition for an order of protection against his or her caretaker who has abused, neglected, or exploited him or her. If a person is living or employed in a private caretaking facility in which he or she has been neglected or abused, he or she is also eligible to file an order of protection.
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