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Grieving over Divorce in the Workplace
Dealing with divorce can be difficult. This is especially true if the marriage dissolved for painful reasons, such as an extramarital affair or abusive (either physical or emotional) behavior. It can be even more difficult if you have a job or career that requires you to be professionally on-point and put-together, even as your personal life is falling apart. Knowing how to deal with grief in the workplace can help you to surmount these seemingly unforeseen circumstances and allow you to process your divorce in a healthy, supportive way. First, it is important to understand the stages of grief associated with the end of marriage.
Stages of Divorce Grief
For partners who did not want the divorce or did not expect their partner to seek one, shock may be the first serious emotion that arises. This shock stems not only from the actual dissolution of the marriage, but also from the deeper psychological implications of the loss of the future plans you and your spouse had made together. Marriage is widely understood to be a life commitment. When the commitment is dramatically shortened by divorce, there are often heavy emotional consequences. This shock may also manifest itself as denial. Anger may come next, followed by guilt and depression. All of these emotions will likely affect the way you are able to perform in the workplace.
Divorcing a Narcissist or “Narcopath”
There are countless reasons why a couple may decide that they are ready for divorce. The psychological state or condition of one half of the couple is definitely one of them. Just as broad definitions of different types of relationships continue to gain traction, so do the names and conditions of psychology. One of the most recent psychological terms coined by marriage counselors and psychologists is that of the “narcopath,” a person who is considered both a psychopath and a narcissist. This can be dreadful combination in a spouse, that could potentially result in emotional abuse of the other spouse, and subsequent divorce.
Like many subtle psychological conditions that can ruin a marriage, a narcopath does not necessarily display his or her condition outright. That is, the abuse perpetuated by such a person can sometimes be so disguised that the victim in the relationship does not notice the signs. These may include that the person is very good at fooling others in order to get what he or she wants. Another may be that any criticism is always handled in an extremely negative manner, which does not allow the other person to give constructive feedback. Another subtle sign is an inflated sense of self or ego.
Early and Personal Warnings Signs of Divorce
If you are in a marriage headed for divorce, there are several warning signs you can look for. It may seem cynical or even, relationship-wise, apocalyptic to look ahead and anticipate that divorce is on the horizon, but it is much better for all parties involved that reality is taken into consideration. That way, both parties can look ahead and begin planning for their new life—socially and financially as well as emotionally.
In many marriages, the writing is on the wall, plain and clear, and there are few doubts for either spouse that the relationship is headed for the end. This may be the case with an abusive relationship, for example, or one in which one partner has been unfaithful. Yet in other satiations, the slow decline of a relationship, the sputtering out of marriage and intimacy, can make identifying warning signs more difficult. This is particularly the case when those warning signs are internally-driven and recognized rather than external.
Proving Paternity in Illinois
If someone approaches you and demands child support, the most important step is to ensure that the child is indeed yours so as to establish your legal responsibility. Paternity, when put as such, is a legal relationship between father and child, not necessarily emotionally (but in no way mutually exclusive). In Illinois, if the parents of a child were not married at the time of the child’s birth, until the child’s birth certificate is legally established—even if the father was there at the time of the child’s birth—the man is considered the legal “alleged” father until the birth certificate is signed. Conversely, if the man refused to sign the birth certificate, there are two other ways that he can be legally considered the legal paternal caretaker: One is if the Illinois Department of Healthcare and Family enters an administrative paternity order; the other is if a judge does so in court.
When Divorce is Better for Children
There is no shortage of information and research into the effects of parental divorce on their children. For many years, conventional wisdom stated that children who did not grow up in an “intact” home, in which their parents were together, serving as an example of commitment, devotion, and partnership, that the child would grow up without a firm grasp of those concepts, unable to find those things in his or her own world as an adult.
As divorce rates hover at about 50 percent of all marriages and the social stigma of marital dissolution continues to fade, this conventional understanding of how divorce effects children does too. Some divorcees even believe that their relationship with their children—as well as their children’s independent psyches—is actually improved after divorce.
The first reason is an obvious one: if you and your spouse fight often or hard, whether or not there is physical violence, it can create an environment that is not stable enough for children. Children need calm and security—if the house in which they live is never secure or stable because of their parents’ constant bickering, the children will never be able to understand such concepts. Sometimes breaking what was thought to be stable is the best way to provide stability.
Identifying an Unhealthy Marriage
Knowing when to call it quits can be one of the most complicated decisions when it comes to marriage. Facing divorce may seem not such a big deal, given its common occurrence in today's society, but when actually confronted with the decision to split from your spouse, it is not always as easy as it looks. Understanding your own personal reasons for divorce can help to soften the blow—that is, knowing that your relationship is not as healthy as it should or could be can help you to move on with confidence in your decision. So just what makes a relationship or a marriage an unhealthy one, and not just one plagued with the normal ups and downs (mostly downs) of everyday life?
There are several signs that indicate that the marriage is unhealthy and unsalvageable, neither by therapy nor perseverance. One of these is if your spouse is an addict. If your spouse is an addict, he or she may be able to move past the addiction with proper care and therapy, but if he or she has already gone through this and it has not proven effective, then divorce may be the way out. Another is if he or she is abusive. This does not necessarily have to be physical (emotional and financial abuse are real issues that are almost as equally unhealthy), but if there is physical abuse, divorce is most probably the best solution.
Is An Inheritance Considered Marital Property During Divorce?
One of the most challenging processes of divorce is property division. Dividing up a couple’s life—deciding who gets to keep the physical manifestation of this memory; who gets to keep the proceeds from the sales of these would-have-been heirlooms—is one of the most emotionally wrecking stages a divorcing couple must go through. Illinois is an equitable distribution state, meaning that both members of the couple will get a fair share during a divorce, regardless of who decided that the divorce was necessary or if either spouse was at fault. It also means that just because you were the primary earner, does not mean that you will walk away from the marriage with more money or assets. All the couple’s property is considered as either marital or non-marital property. The loose definition of each is whether the property was acquired before or during the marriage.
Can an Affair Affect Divorce Settlements?
It is no secret that extramarital affairs can often mean the end of a marriage. Psychologists identify several different reasons for affairs—not the least of which is because the marriage was already headed toward ruin, whether one of the spouses had cheated or not.
Affairs begin for a number of reasons, including revenge, a desire for sex when the marriage has lost its spark, or an emotional connection with someone other than one’s spouse. There is another reason for affairs—one that may be problematic for many people: the affair of the long-term caregiver. In some marriages, one partner becomes very ill and must then rely on his or her spouse to provide care in all facets of life. Often, this leaves the other spouse feeling more like a parent than a partner—and may lead him or her to seek intimacy elsewhere. While some may see these types of affairs as relatively justifiable, they are actually the least common type of an affair.
Avoiding Regret During Divorce
To forgive one’s ex-spouse during and after divorce may seem like an impossible task, but it is an essential one if a person is ever expected to move on and begin a new life. Letting go of resentment and regret is one of the single most important things you can do during divorce to not only lay the groundwork for an easier time in court and during legal proceedings, but also for settling into your new normal once the divorce has been finalized.
Regret is caused when we feel that we have made a choice that was not healthy for us, or wishing that we could reverse a choice—and its consequences—that we have made. The younger a person is, the easier it is to learn from those emotions and make changes that avoid that outcome in the future. When a person is older, of course, he or she has less time to undo or reverse those actions—and so will likely experience stronger and more lasting pangs of regret.
Co-Parenting Lessons to Help Children of Divorce
Divorce may be forever, but if you have children, so is your relationship with your ex. It is not easy to share parenting duties, and if you and your spouse have had a particularly nasty or contested divorce, this will be all the more true. This, however, is all the more reason to go into the divorce as clear-headed as possible. Just because your marriage is over, does not mean that your shared parenting duties are. There are several important questions to ask yourselves as you are going through a divorce to help put into perspective how you will move forward raising children together. All are kid-centric and generally include:
- What can we do to make life better for our kids than it was while we were married?
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