People 50 and older are the only age group in the U.S. for whom the divorce rate has increased in recent years. Divorce researchers use the term “gray divorce” to categorize older couples who divorce after decades of marriage. There are several theories for why a couple may divorce at this stage in their lives:

• Empty nesters and retirees no longer have children or careers to distract them from their relationship;
• The couple may have married because it was expected rather than because they were compatible;
• A midlife crisis can make people anxious to create a more satisfying life while they can still enjoy it; and
• People can change after decades of marriage.

Whatever the reason is for ending the marriage, gray divorce can be complicated for everyone involved.

Division of Property

Spouses who have been married for decades will have accumulated numerous marital properties that they must divide in the divorce. They are also more likely to have high-value assets that they were able to purchase after years of saving money. Retirement plans have unique importance during a gray divorce. Each spouse will soon be relying on his or her retirement benefits, which have had time to accrue great value. In most cases, either the whole retirement plan is marital property or the amount that it increased in value since the spouses were married. Spouses must determine how much of the retirement money that they want to protect and what they would give up in exchange.

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Time is the variable that is most likely to drive up the cost of your divorce. Having extended negotiations and attending multiple court hearings will increase your legal and court costs. The advantage of creating a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement is that you have already decided how you will divide properties and whether one of you will pay spousal maintenance. If you are entering a divorce without an agreement, there are still ways that you can save time and cost on your divorce:

1. Start Prepared: Identifying and valuing your marital properties is a time-consuming part of your divorce. Your divorce attorney can investigate this for you, but you can speed up the process by giving him or her a list of marital properties and documents related to their value. This saves your attorney from having to file requests for this information.
2. Settle What You Can Out of Court: You can minimize your appearances in court by negotiating your divorce agreement in advance. You present the court with a complete divorce settlement, which the court can review and approve. When you cannot reach an agreement on your own, the court must decide on the issues for you. This process takes longer because you each may want to present your argument and the court may need time to reach a solution.
3. Be Willing to Cooperate During Negotiations: Divorce negotiations are most effective when both sides are reasonable. You must try to separate your feelings towards your spouse from your negotiations. You are past the point of blaming each other for the divorce and must work together to figure out how you will divide your properties and responsibilities. You are ultimately hurting yourself if you approach your negotiations as a chance to punish your spouse.
4. Set Your Priorities: You will disagree with your spouse about some issues during your divorce negotiations, but there are other issues that you should be able to quickly agree on. Save your arguments for the issues that are most important to you, such as keeping a certain property or receiving an appropriate share of the parenting time. Do not prolong the negotiations by getting into unnecessary arguments.

Contact a Kane County Divorce Attorney

During divorce negotiations, you must balance being cooperative with protecting your interests. You should not accept unfavorable terms in your divorce agreement because you want to quickly finish the negotiations. A Batavia, Illinois, divorce attorney at Van Larson Law, P.C., can help you create a beneficial divorce agreement in a reasonable amount of time. Schedule a consultation by calling 630-879-9090.

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A stereotypical parenting agreement in a divorce results in the children living with the mother and the father paying child support. A father who does not make his required child support payments may be labeled a deadbeat, and the mother may go to court to enforce the payments. However, divorced fathers sometimes do not do enough to pursue child support from the mother when the parenting roles are reversed. They may be following a societal bias about their parental role, even though the law does not have the same bias.

A Father’s Role

It is still a common family arrangement for the father to be the provider and the mother to be the caretaker, but there are more families that do not follow those gender roles than in previous decades. It may be more sensible for the father to be the primary caretaker if:

• The mother has a more demanding and profitable career;
• The father’s career gives him more flexibility with his hours; or
• The father is a more nurturing and attentive parent.

However, parents tend to view divorce through traditional gender roles, even when their marital roles were not traditional. A mother may feel entitled to a majority of the parental responsibilities and assume that she will not pay child support. A father may assume that his role is to pay child support and feel that asking for support is emasculating.

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At least one of you will be moving into a new home after your divorce, and it is possible that both of you will be moving if you choose to sell your marital home. Settling into a new home can be stressful, especially when combined with adjusting to being single. Even if you get to keep your old home, it may feel noticeably emptier without your spouse. You will need time to adjust to your new living situation, but personalizing the appearance of your home can help you with the transition.

Decluttering

Moving is a good time to assess which items you no longer need after your divorce. Some items are impractical for you to keep as a single adult. You may want to purge yourself of other items because they remind you of your marriage. There is nothing wrong with getting rid of otherwise useful items because of your emotions towards them. Before throwing out or giving away an item, you should ask yourself:

• Can I look at or use this item without thinking about my former spouse?;
• How difficult or expensive will it be to replace this item?;
• Do my children have any emotional attachments to this item?; and
• Could this item be of use or value to my children in the future?

Personalization

You may have compromised with your spouse on the appearance of your home when you were living together. Now that you are alone, you can decorate your living space to fit your tastes, such as:

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Before starting your divorce negotiations, you should ask yourself what comes next for you after your divorce. Though you may not have specific answers, you do know that your life and your needs will be different than when you were married. Your divorce agreement should help you meet your financial and emotional needs, whether it is through the division of property, spousal maintenance, or the allocation of parental responsibilities.

Financial Needs

You will have a heavier financial burden after your divorce because you will be individually responsible for your expenses. Your individual income may be unable to afford your married lifestyle. You can adapt by budgeting your money and cutting back on your living expenses, but you should also try to maximize your individual income and assets. There are several ways that you can prepare yourself for this in your divorce agreement:

• Some marital properties have more practical benefits or the potential to increase in value;
• Other marital properties are more valuable to you if you sell them;
• You should consider whether the expense of owning and maintaining your marital house is worth keeping it;
• You will likely receive monthly spousal maintenance payments if your former spouse has a higher income than you; and
• A divorce court can award spousal maintenance as a way to support you while you attend school, with the goal of obtaining a degree that will qualify you for better-paying jobs.

Emotional Needs

You may feel lost and without an identity, once you are no longer married. Happiness after divorce requires finding new friends and interests that do not rely on your marriage. Financial stability from your divorce agreement gives you the freedom to pursue these interests. Being a parent is the most important identity for some divorcees. Your parenting time gives you emotional fulfillment and a feeling of importance. However, your relationship with your children is not a replacement for your marriage. You still need to have meaningful relationships with people your own age, which may include going on dates. Your parenting schedule should give you time off in which you can be social and focus on your own needs.

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