Recognizing that your marriage may be coming to an end can take you months, if not years, to put into words. You have likely felt your relationship deteriorating over time but have not been ready to accept that ending the marriage may be what is best for you and your spouse. Before filing for divorce, many couples will live apart to gauge their feelings towards their spouse and their life together. In fact, Illinois may require you to live separately for six months before you are legally able to divorce if your spouse does not agree to the divorce. With the thought of divorce swirling in your head, you are likely having a number of feelings come over you all at once — remembering the good times you have had together, but feeling unsure if this outweighs your current discontent. Every marriage is different and there is no “right” or “wrong” answer, but divorce experts have recognized a few common signs that may point towards a need for divorce.

Everything Falls on You

Marriage is a partnership that requires patience and an ability to compromise. When arguments come up, do you feel as if the blame is always on you? In many cases, one spouse can feel forced to compromise during every disagreement, and after years of blame, their marriage will feel less like a partnership and more one-sided. If your partner makes you feel as if everything is your fault and fails to listen to your ideas or opinions, your unhappiness is likely stemming from this imbalance and it may be a sign that the relationship is no longer right for you.

You Are Tired of Fighting

It is normal and healthy for couples to argue because two people cannot agree on everything. However, when arguments are a daily occurrence and you are no longer interested in fixing the problem, you have likely detached yourself from the relationship. Couples who are willing to seek out additional support to better themselves and their marriage are actively working on improving their future. Those who are uninterested in putting in the additional effort should reconsider their feelings about their life moving forward.

A parenting plan created during a divorce is more than a simple agreement between two parents. It is a legally binding document that outlines how parenting time with the children will be divided and who has the right to make decisions about the children. A parent who ignores the terms of the agreement is violating a contract and could be held legally responsible for their actions. How should you respond to a violation of your parenting plan? Should you immediately take your co-parent to court after they break your agreement? Filing a court order is usually not the first step you should take when dealing with a violation.

How Might Your Co-Parent Violate Your Plan?

The first thing that comes to mind with a parenting plan violation is not following your parenting schedule. Your co-parent may be late in dropping off the children or coming to pick them up, which throws off your schedule. However, they could also violate the agreement by making a decision without consulting you first or not following your agreed-upon rules for raising the children, as long as those rules are explicitly stated in the plan.

Communication First

You should give your co-parent a chance to explain themselves after the first time they break your parenting agreement. There may have been circumstances that were beyond their control or a misunderstanding about the parenting plan. After repeated violations, you need to have a serious conversation about your parenting arrangement. It could be that:

One of the many uncomfortable tasks that you have following your decision to divorce is when and how to tell others about it. You need to break the news personally to your children and close family members. Some friends may also deserve to hear the news directly from you. What about the other people you interact with on a regular basis? It could be emotionally tiresome to repeat your divorce conversation with all of your friends and other social acquaintances. Some couples will instead announce their divorce on social media. Before you decide whether a social media announcement would be right for you, you should consider the potential benefits and pitfalls.

Advantages of a Social Media Announcement

The most appealing part of announcing your divorce through social media is that it removes the pressure of having numerous in-person conversations about your divorce. Beyond that, a well-executed social media announcement can help you control your public message about your divorce:

• You and your spouse should use the same announcement so that your message is consistent.
• You can set the tone for the message, whether it is somber or more hopeful.
• You can use filters to determine who is able to see your announcement.
• You can set clear boundaries for talking about your divorce any further.

Setting the right tone in your announcement can be helpful if you are worried about how people will respond to it. Your friends should follow your lead if you express that you hold no resentment or want to focus more on your roles as parents.

Not all cases of a parent failing to pay child support involve “deadbeat” parents who are trying to shirk their financial responsibility. Sometimes, a parent cannot afford the payments due to circumstances that are out of their control, such as:

• Losing their job
• Suffering an injury that prevents them from working
• Being forced to make a major purchase or go into debt because of an emergency

If you find yourself unable to keep up with your child support payments, you need to present the problem in court and see if you can reduce your payments.

What Not to Do

You can be found in contempt of a court order if you do not pay child support, even if you cannot afford the payments. Do not assume that it is okay to miss a payment without saying anything to your co-parent. Regardless of your financial means, you are still knowingly violating your child support order. You should also avoid creating an informal agreement with your co-parent where you reduce your child support payments or defer payment. A family law court will not recognize changes to your child support payments that are made outside of the court-approved order. An informal agreement will likely not protect you if your co-parent files a complaint against you for not paying child support.

Divorce has a way of affecting every aspect of your life – including your retirement plans. Getting a divorce can deplete your retirement savings, disrupt your scheduled contributions, and throw off your planned retirement age. Those who are most affected are people going through a grey divorce, which is when people age 50 and older divorce after several years of marriage. A person in their 50s has less time to adjust their plans before they retire. No matter your age, divorce does not have to decimate your retirement plan if you are prepared during your negotiations:

1. Prioritize Retirement Benefits: The value of your retirement account is marital property that you include in the division of assets. In order to keep valuable property, such as your marital home, you could agree to give up a portion of your retirement benefits or forgo your claim to your spouse’s benefits. Making this deal may be short-sighted because you are depleting your retirement plan and paying for maintenance and property taxes on the home. It may make more sense to downsize your home and preserve your retirement benefits.
2. Review Your Budget: Your individual expenses can increase after divorce because you no longer have two incomes to pay for everything. Some divorcees are also responsible for child support or spousal maintenance payments. One option to free up more income for immediate expenses is to decrease your regular contributions to your retirement plan. You should take a close look at your budget to determine how much money you need – including for your retirement – and conduct your divorce negotiations with that target amount in mind.
3. Claim Your Share: Some people have not put much effort into their own retirement plans because they intend to live off of their spouse’s retirement benefits. You are still entitled to a share of your spouse’s retirement after your divorce, especially if you were married for a long time. You can receive Social Security benefits valued at half of your spouse’s benefits, as long as the benefits you would receive on your own are less than that amount. You can file a qualified domestic relations order (QDRO) to receive a portion of your spouse’s retirement plan. Payment can be delayed until you have reached retirement age.

Contact a Kane County Divorce Lawyer

Your retirement benefits may be one of the most important properties that you decide on during your divorce. A Batavia, Illinois, divorce attorney at Van Larson Law, P.C., understands that it is vital to include your retirement plans as part of your divorce. Schedule a free consultation by calling 630-879-9090.

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